I wonder how many of you writers out there are as nerdy as I am about keeping track of e-zine and journal rejections? For instance, my short-story spreadsheet says that since 2015, I've made 702 submissions, with 24 resulting in acceptance for publication.
Of the 678 unsuccessful submissions, about one quarter of those just disappeared into the void, never to be heard from again. The other three quarters got a rejection letter. Almost always a form letter. And so, as you might imagine, I have become something of an expert in these letters--one may even say a connaisseur. Though by no means a fan. Indeed, I've often wished I could respond with something like this:
Dear Editor:
Thank you for your recent rejection letter. I apologize for the form response, but I receive many more rejection letters than I can personally respond to. Please know that the time you took to hit the send button is appreciated. A quarter of the editors rejecting submissions don't even make that effort.
However, we must respectfully decline your rejection at this time. Please do not take this personally--many well crafted rejection letters are received here, and we only have a finite amount of patience. In case you find it helpful, one of our staff had this observation about your letter :
Your use of the word “unfortunately” implies that luck or chance plays a role in your selection process. Even if that sorry admission were true, it's probably not be something you want to advertise to your contributors.
We hope that you find this feedback useful, and we encourage you to consider sending us other letters in the future.
Best of luck to you,
Charles
But of course, I'm never going to send this out to anyone--burning your bridges, and all that. Which is too bad, because, as everyone who has ever gone through a bitter break-up can attest, a little bit of snark can be a wonderful balm for the sting of rejection.